Fear, Showing Up & The Path Forward

Some ramblings from my journal writing about fear, showing up and the path forward:

My world is open to me and I do not need to be afraid. We are all loved by god (or goddess or all that is) and seen by god in truth. I feel this when I sit here alone, yet I get pulled down when I am with other people. I get scared and small. I see this now.

Can I be with other people without going smaller or needing to be set apart? Yes, of course I can. My practice is this: My learning is this:

You are divine, you are free. You can see all that is and this is beautiful, because it is. It is. That is the way of the world. We just are, we don’t need to stop, we don’t need to think, we need to be and be wise.

“How?”, is what you keep asking, “Give me a path and show me the way”.

I can only show you the path when your eyes are open. It is like a child or a teenager, really. They are in their world and you can see a clear way for them to get what they want and be their full self, yet they won’t listen to you fully. They can’t hear you fully because they must see it for themselves. They must decide to open their eyes and then they must decide to step forward.

Each step forward is their path. Whether it feels right or wrong to you. Each step forward is their path because it is. It is the only way, because it is the only path. They will make choices and they will be ok, because they have to be. This does not mean there won’t be pain. This does not mean there won’t be sorrow. This is life, this is the way it is. We are not here to teach that it is all good. We are here to teach that it is. This is the message.

Can you relax into that feeling? Can you sense how freeing this is? You don’t need to stop. No, in fact you need to keep taking steps forward, but listen to yourself and your knowing as much as possible.

Paul Selig says fear is the thing we don’t want to make decisions out of. Yet, is there some nuance? Fear is a marker, but sometimes you need to be afraid. Is the challenge in the fear of looking back or failing or being wrong? I think when it is fear of or for other people, that is the challenge. Fear that they will be hurt or upset or in pain. Fear they will hurt me or upset me or harm me. Perhaps this is the fear that is unwise. This is the fear that decisions should not spring from. Well, at least helpful decisions.

If you are fearful of others how can that be, if they are all of god? If they are all divine? Something is here to keep exploring. Something is here. If I’m scared to show up, what is that? That is my fear and the fear of what people will say.

I feel like I’m taking my religions, my meditation and my therapy and syncing it all together and understanding what it means to be free, to be loved and to love. I hear myself saying, “don’t get too big for your britches. You aren’t all that”. Hey, guess what? I am all that. I am perfect. I am not aware always, yet I am free, I am loved, I am love. I see how a piece of my darkness is this talk that I am not divine. Who are you to tell me that? I am love. I am loved. I am free.

Today I practice. I practice ‘truthing’ myself before I start something that scares me and truthing those around me when I feel the darkness seep into my vision. I am free, I am free, I am free. What an honor.

What a joy.

We are all ok.

Notes From My Higher Self

I’ve been journalling on and off for almost 40 years.

From the tribulations and impassioned poetry of my teenage self, to the inner-child exploration of early adulthood; from morning pages to never-ending complaining, it’s all in my journals.

I’ve used pretty journals, spiral notebooks, scraps of paper, collages, left-hand writing, and more.

Journalling is foundational for me.

Last fall, I was in a good groove with journalling. Every morning (mostly!), I would write for 15 minutes or so and put it away. After a few energy body work sessions, I found myself journalling in a new way. It felt as if my hand was writing on its own, bypassing my brain. When I went back to read what I wrote, the messages were clear and resonant.

I consider these words a gift from my higher self to my present self. I will be posting these intermittently on this blog and categorizing as 'written word'.

The words speak to me. I wonder if they speak to you, as well?

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Any decision is a good decision and any decision leads to more decisions. It doesn’t really matter the decision. What matters is the intent. What matters is the spirit behind what you are deciding or doing or saying. That is what matters. This is what you need to write about here.

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Projects are really good for me and my next project will be around this. Projects are good because they start and stop and you can fit them into your day. I see that this is the pattern - not getting [my projects] out. Well that’s about to end; the pattern will be broken. You will get these things and more out into the world and they will be a practice of what is to come. Keep journaling, keep praying, keep going to the things that provide energy and healing. Keep moving and the path is there.

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What will I do when I hit a wall and think “I can’t do this . . .It’s been done before . . . I’m not unique”. I will say your voice and perspective are unique and a gift and 100% need to be out there. You will be grateful when you try this - your future self will be grateful no matter the outcome. Because you will have moved and done something. You were in a cocoon for so many years and now it is time to release and be free. To fly and try and soar and sink - whatever.

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Tension

I feel tension in sharing this work on my blog. On one hand I believe there is more to this world than we know, and there are people who can help us see what we are blind to. On the other hand, I am a practical, person who doesn't tend to go to extremes. When I hit send yesterday, I felt a wave of concern about who would read it, what they'd think of me, and whether it would resonate. I guess facing these concerns is the power of shipping . . .

What I'd like to try and explain, though, is that there is value in alternative healing and process work, even if you don’t agree where it is coming from or why it works. I'd like to start breaking down why.

Positive Messages & Reminders Are Helpful

You can see from my first session with Kate that the baseline messages she gave me would be useful for anyone - nurture yourself, trust your instincts, pay attention to what is working in your life. No matter what else resonates, it is valuable to hear these reminders from someone else - especially someone who is caring, attentive and good at being present.

Common Factors

Some in the therapy field believe that the modality of therapy doesn't really matter. What matters is that the therapeutic relationship has what is called Common Factors. The research has found that these factors most impacted therapeutic outcomes to the following percentage:

• goal consensus/collaboration (11.5%)

• empathy (9.0%)

• alliance (7.5%)

• positive regard/affirmation (7.3%)

• congruence/genuineness (5.7%)

• therapist differences (5.0%)

• treatment differences (< 1.0%).

With this lens, the sessions with Kate meet all of the Common Factors, so the work has as much chance of working as traditional therapy.

The Emotional Body

There is a growing interest in studying how the body, not only the brain, are impacted by our experiences. Books such as The Body Keeps the Score and My Grandmother’s Hands explore this field and how we can use somatic methods to heal and help people through challenging times. In fact, some believe that this is the only way to truly heal.

Stories as a Path to Understanding

The description of this recent podcast on Hidden Brain reads "We can’t go back and change the past. We can’t erase trauma and hardship. But what if there was a way to regain control of our personal narratives? In the second part of our series on storytelling, we look at how interpreting the stories of our lives — and rewriting them — can change us forever.". The stories and images Kate gave me are ways for me to explore my past, present and future. Whether they are true or not, the ones that are useful to me stick and the others fall aside. The power for me is in holding onto this new narrative when it provides understanding, growth and a window into spiritual connection.